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The purpose of this website is to help cancer patients to gain motivation and get inspired and learn some useful mental techniques for their journey, expecting the best outcome possible.

The road to surviving

On May 31, 2018 the nurses rolled me out of the ICU as I’ve no longer needed intensive care. The oxygen was still flowing through my nose and its cylinder was attached to the back of my wheelchair. Pipes and cables where still hanging out of me. I wasn’t in my best form, but surely and most importantly, I was alive. I was holding onto life.

About a week before this, I wasn’t sure if I will survive the coming night. I desperately needed blood, but my temperature was spiking up which stopped me from getting the juice of life. I was in and out of cold showers and in-between my partner frequently changed the ice packs on my body trying to bring my fever down. I was freezing, I was exhausted and weak, I could barely breath and so the doctors decided to transfer me to the Intensive Care Unit. It was a scary experience. Oxygen was loudly flowing through my nose, I was choking on my own saliva and couldn’t keep my eyes open, but as soon as they closed, it felt like inside of a feverish, hell-like nightmare of swirling red fog. And of course I was hot as my temperature spiked up again. I was in and out of consciousness, never knew when I was dreaming and when hallucinating. Even the beeping machines around me didn’t bother me. I was hanging there between life and…well, death. I had lost all sense of time. But I knew I have to get out of here as soon as possible, because my parents were coming to visit me. I cannot let them down, I told myself, I cannot let them come to a foreign country they don’t know, with a language they don’t speak or understand and not be able to meet them. I didn’t want to hurt them nor make them sad. On the outside I must have looked like a weak resting body, but inside I was busy, meditating and visualising to stay alive.

I had decided to hold onto life.

Once I gained some consciousness and opened my eyes, my vision was still blurry, but I could see a dark figure next to my bed. I couldn’t make it out, I couldn’t tell what it was, or who it was, but when my vision cleared up, I got really scared and alarmed. It was a priest sitting there, but I was not ready to receive my last rite. So, I greeted him with a weak smile and we had a nice chat about life. In that waking moment I decided my mission will be to help others, who experience challenging times, as I have. I’d like to share my story with you, dear reader, in the hope that you can gain strength to believe:

You can do it!

You will hold onto life!

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